Funny Smell

Ever notice that different notes have different smells. A new fresh note handed over to you from the bank has a crisp fresh smell. The note you get from the vegetable vendor smells like curry leaves or coriander leaves. And the note from a drunk auto diver smells like booze. Don't ask me why I even smelled all this in the first place :P

An Apt Song

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

What Makes The Difference?

"For this is the only thing Life's not biased about- 

It gives everyone an equal  share of sorrow and doubt."

                                                             -Hena Paul.

A part of my recent poem reads that, and I think its rather brilliant. The poem talks about how all walks of life has an equal part of sorrow and worry. Everyone, starting from the rich to the poor, the old the young, they all have their share of pain. The things they worry about can tremendously vary, and can be drastically different, but each person finds their problem huge. Basically, that gives no basic of measuring the factor ( I recon I'm been learning too much a particular topic in Physics ). So that leaves us obliged to think that everyone has an equal amount of doubt/sadness in their life. One cannot really compare. To say - my problems are bigger that yours, would be, to a large extent selfish, according to me. Thus, ironically this becomes almost the only thing life is not biased about. Life has no so called 'favorites' here. When it comes to doubt, its just and fair.

If you are thinking that maybe even happiness also is distributed to people by just and fair methods, your wrong. That's what is ironic about it, cause its not. For starters you are as happy as you choose to be. Fate does have a role to play in it, but its up to your discretion to be happy or unhappy. On the other hand when life throws at you failure, its sad, you can learn from it, but reality is that its sad. Somehow fate has a greater grip on giving you obstacles than loop holes. Life gives you more sorrowful incidences that happy ones. Happiness is either too rare, or when one does have it, they are busy wondering when it will be taken away, to truly enjoy it while it lasts. That's why most people seek for happiness all their life and perish, almost never finding it. So ultimately we find that most people are given equal amounts of sadness, Yet we see that some people seem happier that others. Why would that be? Well, the sonnet ends with the answer to that question.

The last two lines to my poem say that though everyone is given equal amounts of doubt and sadness, the difference lies in how much they are loved by their loved ones. For sharing your sorrows with others gives you a wider perspective, and helps you look at the brighter side of things. They help to remind you that the sun will rise tomorrow no matter what. And to let you in on a little secret ( that's not so much of a secret really) the best way to get past the storm is to be positive. And your loved ones help you do just that.

I Let The Psychopath Inside

Cold by
Psychopathic-Jad

I let the Psychopath inside. Yesterday night it so happened that he knocked on my door. While I lay my head to rest and reflected on the happenings of the day, he knocked gently and sweetly, hoping he could come inside. I could have let him stay out, but I figured that maybe it can be of some good. I let Fear, the Psychopath enter inside. We conversed for sometime, but I soon began to feel that choking sensation around my chest, that void in my throat, and he was to blame. It was as though he began to suck the happiness from inside me. It began to get cold and my throat got dry, my hands began to shiver. 'This is not a good sign', I thought. So before it was too late, I lured him outside and slammed my door shut, and I slept in peace. But he will come again, maybe even tomorrow. I know he will!

Cry A Little, Laugh A Little

Its funny how an incident can make you experience contrary emotions simultaneously. You can feel extreme joy and bitter remorse at the same time. A baffling experience. A few days back my elder sister bagged a once in a life time award. She topped her class and won herself a gold medal in academics. A truly wonderful achievement. My joy and happiness for her was tremendous. 

Yet, I found myself running away to seclusion and crying. I was confronted with so many questions. I wondered why good things are almost allergic to me, why I had to work so hard to be rewarded while others had to so easy. I thought life was unfair and cruel to all anything good. All the failures i faced in life flashed in front of me, on by one and made me feel even more pathetic. At times like these, we tend to search for someone who will sit by you and tell you that everything is going to be alright. For me, its usually my sister, but this time it was unfair to ask for her help. I felt more lonely than I have ever did. My next best consolation - Chocolate. I had a whole load it. Sadly, it didn't do the trick this time

What's unique about family, is that they are just there for you which ever side your smile turns. So my sister did come to console me. My problems were still problems, my sadness didn't disappear, I just got a feeling that I'm not alone. And that beats chocolate any day. We later sat with the rest of my family with some ice cream to celebrate our happiness together, while my dad declared that my sister has got some of his brains at least. Obviously, this was followed by denial from everyone. Basically, things got rather loud. As I sat there laughing at it all, my sorrow began to turn into hope and that was the only emotion I felt. I had hope that I would be rewarded someday, and just in case I'm not, I had faith that these people would stop me from falling, and help me try again. Its what life is all about anyway.

"because that's what Jesus would have done". Oh Common!

I just happened to see this somewhere and thought its apt for a lot of the people i know. Don't get me wrong, I really like these people, just this concept of theirs is annoying. Like they say- 'Don't hate the criminal, hate the crime'. This reminded me of their meaningless deep rooted belief in Jesus. Yeah! Its a good thing, for you! Don't impose it on me!

These people have a blatant idea about certain things that are right, and certain things that are wrong! Firstly, who are you to decide whats right or wrong? Especially since the idea of right or wrong itself is controversial. Think about it, a certain society finds something right, while another finds it wrong. So that makes it neither. Secondly, why impose your ideas on me? Its acceptable if you are sharing your views and your understanding, but not, if you force them on others. And finally, when you are questioned you simply reply - "because that's what Jesus would have done". Oh Common!

My Current Question

I had once realized that fear was my greatest weakness. The monster had crawled into my mind and induced me to worry all day all night. What to we do to an irritating mosquito? We smack it dead. What do we do to scary animals? We cage them using rods that cannot be broken. And what did I do to this monster? I yanked it and threw it away. It could ever come back. Little did I know that  it was a bad idea. I should have just scared it away, just a little. I realize now that fear is sometimes necessary. So do I now invite a psychopath into my house knowing that it could be fatal, again ? 

The Problem

'The Piscian symbol of the two headed fish symbolizes that they are confronted with two choices. To go up stream against the current or down stream where the tide takes them.

-Linda Goodman.

The Problem

I began to notice that it was a pattern with me. I had to choose to do something useful with my time, or to laze around and waste it. The latter choice was chosen more often than it ought to be. Sometimes, even while doing something relatively useful, my mind wonders off to mindless hallucinations. I even learned to give this unconscious act a term. ' Lost interest' I called it. My friends caught me saying this so often that it clung on to their speech pattern too. The problem was more the unconscious lack of focus ( if I may call it) than the mere using of the term.

The Analysis

I soon learned that in order to achieve something I will have to fight the ' Lazy Temptress' away (as my sister would call it). Now we all know that that's more easier said that done. If the problem was as simple as laziness the solution becomes drastically simple, but its not. The instinct to choose the easier option was always playing in the forefront, making simply choosing to do the harder more difficult, to say nothing about actually doing it. 

The Solution

We all know that every problem has a solution. The solution to this one has been lingering around even before the problem arose. I mean to say that the answer to this is in the problem itself. Most of the time we figure that the solution to a problem was right it front of us, yet we just could not see it. Like when you suddenly realize you lost something, panic and look all around the house, not find it, and return back to were you started consoling yourself that maybe the house got hungry and swallowed it (somehow), only to find that it was in your pocket all along. Something like that, if you do not consider the exaggeration of the impossible Monster House (Yes, I love the movie). But the point is that the answer is to choose the harder option.

But....

The New Problem

Which is the harder option? 

This is never ending. I lost interest.

We All Need Help Sometimes

Anxiety had swallowed me like a vicious snake ingesting its helpless victim. However hard it was for me to admit, this was the truth. I knew I would and could do this, but the question of how was screaming at me from the distance. Maybe that could explain the worried, lost and scared look on my face. I had three days to prepare myself for this day. Yet, it seemed to have come all too suddenly. And there I was a young 18 year old, ready to do something for the very first time.

I had jumped out of bed that morning too worried to sleep anymore. I went downstairs for breakfast and my family members seemed normal. But once they saw my troubled face their mood became quiet the contrary. They were the kind of people that took good care of me, almost too much care of me. They would do everything for me. Its a good thing, but as the saying goes -' Too much of anything is good for nothing'.

This was certainly the cause behind why I felt so scared for what now seems so silly.

As I was growing older, my parents worked hard on trying to be less protective. Yet, it was really hard for them to let go. Thus they began to bombard me with all kinds of advises. Take the auto through this route, its the easiest way there, be passive not timid, demand for what you want, the place is a short walk, you'll find an Oak, Banyan and Champak tree towards your left, right and center, its 1.4 km away... Initially I was irritated, but that was until I realized it would actually be helpful, and I began to find it kind of cute. Never the less I was still terrified.

I somehow reached the place I wanted to reach. It was so much larger that I thought.
I found a watch man at the entrance. I asked him for directions. His hospitality was consoling, and he pointed the way to me. Half way down I found another watchman who helped me with the further directions. I walk into the wrong room, but soon realized and got out before embarrassing myself . Finally,  I found a sign that said the place I was looking for is on the other side. I entered, gathering the little confidence I had.

At the front it self was a help desk, from where I understood that I had to walk till the end of the room, and reach the last counter. I slowly walk down the long room, observing the staff start up the day. Once I reached, I found that the last counter was empty. I assumed that since it was still early the employee was yet to come. I took a seat and waited. I don't remember how much time went by, as I was reflecting upon why I felt so scared earlier. I also remember occasionally thinking on asking the adjacent counter employee, if she could help me out, but somehow decided against. I rechecked my challan, signed it then continued to wait. When the wait became too long, I decided to get up and ask her anyway.

I walked up to the counter and said, 'I have to make a payment', and held up the challan. She nodded and took it from me. Surprised at how easy that was, and regretting upon not asking earlier I sat, while she worked on the details. I few questions, handing over of the money, two seals that made a loud noise and it was over. I thanked her and walked out, with a smile on my face. As I headed out of the compound both the watch men who helped me out, asked if I got my work done. I replied that I did and I thanked whole heatedly. My smile grew wider.

On my way back home I got a call from my dad, he asked, 'Were you able to make the entrance fee payment?', 'Yeah!', I replied. 'And  did anyone in the bank eat you alive?', 'What! of course not! ', I exclaimed, 'why would you ask that?. 'You just seemed so worried', he said. I found myself replying, 'I was not!', a lie. My dad just smirked and said good bye.

Now I learned a lot from this, but the most important is that we have to let people help us once in a while. The silly task may not be impossible without it, but the help sure makes it a lot more easier and a lot more satisfying. The feeling of knowing that someone's there to help you if you tumble is incredible. And what's more incredible is the want to help someone else.

You Are Who You Chose To Become

Is there a difference between the person that you are and the person that you would like to be?

The person that i am is an observer. I'm the one in the background giving comments at all that's happening to the protagonist. Others would laugh and join along with me in the otherwise ruthless comments. Sometimes i'm the person people would call if they need company to do something crazy. I'm the shoulder they cry on when life treats them bad. I'm the person they trust with all their secrets. I'm the person who gets to know all the gossip. Others are the people that things happen to. I'm the one who's there to listen to all these happenings. Sometimes come up with solutions to their problems, sometimes laugh along with them, sometimes cry along with them. That's me to others. 

Sam Walter Foss wrote in his poem- House By The Side Of The Road that he wants to be this person. He would want to be the person by the side of the road who likes to see the race of men go by and be there for them, no matter if they are bad or good, weak or strong, wise or foolish, he wants to be there for them, because he himself is all that too. As much as I can relate to this and as much as I agree with this, it does hurt sometimes that your not the protagonist. 

Secretly, I wish I could be that. The person that needs a shoulder to cry on, the person with crazy ideas, the person others could find amusement by making fun of. The person with secrets. Or quiet simply the, person that things happen to. 

In all my years of socializing I have tried to become the protagonist in a crowd. And it worked. For a brief period of time I did become this person. And the irony is that I didn't like it. I was not a fan of the attention and i somehow felt, for the lack of a better word, exposed. I had decided then that i'm happy being the girl the the background. And for a long period of time I was happy.

But lately the question began to taunt me again. I guess i just needed to be reminded why I chose to become who I am. Ah! surprisingly i'm happy again. So to answer the question- Yes. There is a difference. But it should not matter, because the person that you should be is the person you are when your happy.

My Current Question

We all are bound by the questions of the unknown. There are so many things that we have no control of, things hauntingly out of our hands. This would be a universally accepted fact. Nothing new there. But here's the question- is it justified to take control of things when you can, or do you leave it to fate to decide?