AAHA!

I look at all other blogs with hilarious, hideous things written in it and I think to myself, 'lets start a blog that I can go crazy in'. 
But then I tell myself that I'm so not that kinda blogger. I blog about essential, life altering, all important, meaningful,  useless, pointless self obsessed, boring things of my boring life. 
Look! There's some crap about a basket ball that apparently describes my current life situation, and it has a part 2 like those repelling movies people think are awesome -twilight! 
Alright! I hereby swear to never write anymore crap about a dam basketball ( but it makes so much sense) NO! I put my foot down! ( as if my foot was up in the air all this while like i'm practicing to join the circus, besides I don't bent that way). 
That is such a ridiculous phase people keep using ( its used by my dad, maybe that's why). Speaking of ridiculous phases its not like the present generation have come up with any decent ones. For example, "lets hang out" is either suicidal or app-ish in its literal sense, because you can either "hang" "outside" on a tree, like what Judas did to kill himself, or you can "hang" on monkey bars that is "outside" to embrace our ancestral, evolutionary traits.
The present generation has a brain of concrete anyway. Mixed up real good and solidified real good. I am aware of the fact that when I say present generation it includes me to, thank you. Besides I think its awesome that I have a jumbled up brain. AAHA! I think we have found our problem! 
Dam now I have to try and keep this a secret. ( so not gonna happen)
I need to sleep.

The Basket Ball ...Match!

Remember the post I wrote about standing at the court and staring at a basket ball at the rim of the basket and waiting to see if it will get in or out, and how that's exactly how I felt? If not here's the link read it! I have to talk about it.
http://henapaul.blogspot.in/2013/05/the-basket-ball.html

The answer to that question is Yes! The ball went in. But little did I know that with that question answered I now have a million other question of the same kind, that only time can reveal. I now need to know if that basket helped me win the match! Or was it just one that goes wasted cause I lost the match. And how many more such scores are needed for me to win the match.

All I can do is bite my nails and eagerly await the outcome of all that I'v gone though for the past 2 years. All the realizations, the lessons and the pain, all the happiness and where life is going to take me next! To quote what someone I know said " Just take it all as it comes, no point getting worked up. It will all turn out for the better". I could not agree more. I take what comes and do the best I can with it! I'm letting FATE decide!
(Oh! Bless me! How foolish can that be?)

Crazy And Nuts ..The Same ???

What I learned today is something very new! I learned it from a rather queer acquaintance but never the less its interesting. This person explained to me the difference between Crazy and Nuts. Yes! even I thought it means the same, but what do you know. After all learn something new everyday right. Crazy is when you do something without thinking. You just do it at the spur of the moment, what you heart says you should do. When your heart says do something thrilling, you just do it, NO thinking, NO questions, NO regrets. Nuts is when you keep thinking about that thrilling thing your about to do, you keep saying to yourself that its too dangerous and can turn bad it moments, but you do it anyway. And you enjoy it thoroughly. LOTS of thinking, LOTS of questions, NO regrets. Now, there are people who are crazy, people who are nuts, but me, I'm crazy sometimes and nuts in the others. so what am I CANUTS

The Rodents

How many of you can truthfully say that you like rats? If you see a rat around where you are right now would you treat it with mango juice and Oreo biscuits like you would for a guest or would you treat it with sticks and stones and a mouse trap? I can bet almost all of you are saying mouse trap, and those who are not, are lying to yourselves. Yet you know not the reason behind this animosity. One so grave that you would resort to killing a living being though its done nothing wrong to you. In fact it might be just like you and me, in search for the two things we need to survive, food and love. Some might say that we detest these rodents simply because they carry plagues and diseases. But is not a squirrel capable of carrying the same disease of these rats? If you tale off the fluffy tail and dip a squirrel in black paint it might even look alike. Yet we hate the rats and not so much a squirrel.
This was one the explanations a German soldier gave to a french daily farmer when he came to conduct a search for any Jews the farmer might be housing!

Sometimes you know not why to dislike some people. You know not why you find them irritating. Others who would do just the same things to you, you can tolerate. But some, you detest for reasons you yourself cannot understand. I guess that's the way life is! I remember considering myself one that can accept people way they are. I can, ironically, still say that. Except this time there is a 'but' to that statement. I can accept people the way they are as long as they don't meddle with my life.

Maybe I'm missing out on a friendship that would have lasted a long time. Maybe I'm missing out on a lot of benefits these people would have got for me. Maybe these people have changed now ( and if they have i'l be the happiest person around) but I still cannot let them inside my life again. I cannot trust them and what kind friendship is not based on trust....a bad one. And a bad friendship should be ended. Now the question is...the next time a rat enters your house, what would you do?

Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You

A song can actually describe exactly what you feel.

GO ROCK!

And I, get sick when I'm around, I, can't stand to be around, 

I, hate everything about you! 

Everything about you, 

Everything about you, 

Everything about you! 

Some say I got a bad attitude, 

But that don't change the way I feel about you, 

And if you think this thought might bring me down, 

Look again cause I aint wearin no frown! 

Everything about you, everything about... 

I, get sick when I'm around... 

I, can't stand to be around... 

I, hate everything about... you! Haha...

The Voice ( not the show :p)

When your body gives up on you, you have no hope left,

Listen to that faint voice inside you saying, 'Don't give up yet'.

Many at times the only person that can inspire you is yourself. Everyone around you would have lost faith in you. The people who said that they will support you might now be against you. The world might be laughing at your failure. But you truly fail only once you begin to think your a failure too. If one looks deep enough they will find a faint voice, one meek voiceless voice. A voice suppressed by the screams of others, by the laughing and mockery. A voice saying that there is still hope. You have to believe in that voice. Its saying the truth. Hold on to that voice and raise up! Things will definitely turn around.

A Breed I Hate

Have you met someone who considers life a race? Who always trying to find out how good someone is at what they do, and compare themselves to the person? Sneakily tries to find out how the person does it and by hook or by crook tries to master their ability? They try to pretend to be your friend, but you'l never know that they are your biggest enemy.

I do agree that competition is essential. There are many races in life one will have to win or loose. But life is not a race, on the contrary a race is part of life. There are so many things that life has to offer other than races and competition. Yes, the victory is satisfying, but whats the fun if you have no one to celebrate with. You spent all your life treating the people around you as competitors, disguising yourself as a friend, and used their trust as a source to better yourself. All these people realized what you are doing and walked out of your life. And finally when you have all the success you have worked for you will have no one to celebrate with. No one who truly cares that is.

I frankly hate these kind of people. I always wonder what that kind of victory will give them anyway. Some sick satisfaction that they are better that the rest of the world? It's good to enjoy when you are the best at what you do, but that rejoicing should not be about how bad others are compared to you. It should be about  how your hard work has payed off. It should be guilt free, where you won fare and square and did not use someone the get there. I'm the kind of person who enjoys being around people. We are social beings. We all get lonely sometimes. We all need someone to lean on because things will never go the way we want it to, but if you make use of the people who are willing to lend a shoulder then you are driving them away. That's selfish and moreover, stupid.

Another breed of people I don't like are the lairs. They either lie or twist the truth to their benefit. I'v met people who will dramatize incidences to gain the pity and sympathy of others. They will go to any extent to make someone think they are being tortured. A good friend of mine once said: 'If you are going to lie, do some research before hand.' Someone once lied about having french cuisine, when asked to name the dish, replied 'pasta'. "My mom came to hit me with a baseball bat", we'r in India, nobody here plays baseball. Cricket bat would have been more believable! "I went to Australia and lived right opposite Ross Taylor's house". He's from New Zealand. And this is the worst. "I didn't study at all, I'm going to fail", then get 88 out of 100. Its all so frustrating.

I just hope that these racers and lairs realize what they are doing and stop it. But we all know that's too much to ask for. To us, its just frustration that will come and go. But for these people its their reputation at stake. They need to know that no one will believe anything they say even if they might be saying the truth. Its a price you have to pay for cheating, lies and exaggeration. So don't cheat people, don't lie and don't exaggerate. If people think your life is boring the way it is, let them. Its better that them knowing your life is a Lie !

The Basket Ball

In a few more days I'll get to know the answers to a lot of my questions. As the day approaches I can't help but sense this certain amount of fear. I just figured out that only four colleges offer the course I want to take up in my State. Way to go competition. And as though to make things worse, only one of them is in the city I live in. This I great.

The fear is partly cause of the fact that I might have to leave town to study. Its scary enough to know that I have to stay in a hostel, and now it might be in one further away from home. This is what I want ironically, to be away from my parents. I love them very much, but I will not learn to be independent if I have them to take care of me. Yet I feel fear, fear of the unknown.

Imagine you attempted to shoot a basketball into the hoop and the ball just lingers undecidedly around the rim. In that second, in that miniscule second, when you are waiting to see if the ball will go in or out you sense this fear, right? That's the kind of fear I feel right now. Just waiting, all you can do is done, hoping fate will do good to you. You will find yourself taking to the ball, like it can actually understand what you are saying - get in. Those two words are the only two words in my mind too.

Wish me luck! 

Life The Trickster

Ever wonder why whenever you have something to do, you wish you had nothing to do, and when you have nothing to do, you wish you had something to do? When you have to go to school or college you wish it was holidays and when its holidays you wish you had college? Life plays such weird tricks on you that way. Its true what they say I guess 'the grass is greener on the other side'.

But why does it have to be that way? Why cant people be happy with where they are or with what they are doing? When I had to go to college I would wish that it was a holiday, but I love going to college. Why could I not wake up and tell myself that today I'l go to college cause that's what will be fun? Also when I had holidays tell myself that that's what is more fun.

I'v been sitting at home for almost two months now and been real bored. But thanks to this realization I'm going to try and prove that bad old proverb wrong. Lets not care what color the damn grass is, let it be pink for all I know. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and tell myself that its a holiday, whats the best I can do to make it a productive one. Be happy with spending my time doing what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. Life, I know you are a trickster, but do you know I'm a magician? 

My Current Question

Do I really have Katsaridaphobia? For those of you how are wondering what that is...its the fear of cockroaches! According to my sources ( the internet of course) people suffering from Katsaridaphobia feel tense and scared of the insect though they know it can potentially do no harm. This is true in my case. But it also says that these people shut all doors and windows and spray insecticides everywhere to prevent the insect from reaching their house hold. I definitely don't do either of this. Maybe because my mom takes care of all that. They say that one of the causes of katsaridaphobia can be a traumatizing incident in the past. Well when I was a kid I loved playing underneath an ironing table. Once I played under there for so long that I fell asleep there. When I woke up, I vividly remember a cockroach right on my chest, almost as though staring at me. To sum to all up, grave fear-check, traumatizing incident-check, uncanny OCD-isd behavior-check (by mom) So what? DO I have Katsaridaphobia? ...

P.S : you should check out all the other phobias people have. The funniest I found was Coprophobia-fear of feces! How can someone be scared of their own 'shit' :P

After writing many important exams this is still what I have to say!! :P

Letter To 14 Year Old Me.

Dear 14 Year old me,

Its wonderful that you kept (still keeping) a diary, but frankly I am surprised that you have become me. Its crazy what four years can teach you. But Please, don't crib about the worries you have, because they are not even worries. I see you have an 8 point list of what you have to worry about. I cant help compare that to my list and ridicule it.

It does not matter if you have lost a basket ball match, and no! it does not make it worse if it was in front of your juniors. While you are concerned about loosing a stupid basketball match I am concerned weather the choices I make today might make me loose in life.

I'm sure you got the meaning of the word 'worry' wrong. If not, then something like having to write a lot in a chem practical record would not come in a 'Things I Have To Worry About' list. It could come in a 'Things I Have To Do' list, or at the most a 'Things I Have To Do Fast' list. And trust me, having written records in the last minute, and getting it confiscated for writing it during math class, and begged a certain Chitra Ma'am to understand, and pleading million math teachers to return the book after promising never to do that again ( a promise I technically did keep cause while I did write my record in class I never got caught for it) followed by an apology letter, you really have nothing to worry about.

Oh! This is interesting. You got 34 out of 50 in P.E is it? I wonder how you topped the class for your Boards, you know the exam that actually matters. Your reason- 'I cant understand I word Sir says'. Oh! Try sitting for a math class on Binomial Theorem, or listening to Squinty ( I don't remember her real name as she quit teaching after a few days) talk about circles, and try getting 18 out of 100 and then talk

'Church timings have changed. I have catechism during English Mass and now I cant check out all the hot guys. Really! That's your worry? I cant believe you! Ok, I give you the credit of being sad about it, those classes did suck, but where were the apparent hot guys? I still see them and I think you were blind! They are either as old as your dad or as ugly as a skeleton with a layer of skin and a 'horse ass' face.

Alright, now that's valid. You don't have time to dream because your busy. That is something to worry about. Someone at 14 should be able to dream as much as she wants. But that gives you no excuse to think that your becoming MAD ( and apparently think it mean Mentally A Dud and spell it wrong ). Try putting yourself in my position and then you will know what MAD really is ( common! I'm making fun of the younger me, that must have some symptoms of mental retardation). 

If your only hopes of excitement depended on getting a new crush, then you have some serious issues. Maybe I am starting to understand why I have certain mental problems and why my friends think I'm crazy. You got it right little one, what is wrong with you?

Point number 7 on my list - 'Lets just sum up all the entrances I have to write and crib about it at once to make it easier. Starting with having to study for it, the tension of writing it, and ending with the fear of the results ( since if you have not heard, they determine the rest of my life)'. Same point of a list 4 years back - ' I am obsessed over using words like ay ayo yappa and looser in life and dumb chick. Yeah! Kid, clearly you were running out of points, and if you'v been reading, those previous points make no sense.

What a serious problem you got there! Confused about whether you want to join the dance team or the Kannada Skit. Gee! I wonder how you solved that problem, maybe you could help me solve this other problem I have. Its a simple one I'm just confused on what I should do for the rest of my life.

Yours Sincerly,
18 year old YOU.

Turn over a new leaf, A very NEW leaf

What does it feel like, having believed in something for all your life and suddenly realize its all been a lie? A big huge lie. A lie you have been telling yourself cause you are too scared to face the truth! Truth is uncertain, scary and involves a lot of risks! No one knows if you are going to make it. You are not even certain if your are going to make it. But whats life if you don't take chances while you are young, and have the luxury to make mistakes. I'll tell you what it feels like, Growing up!

Till very recently I believed I wanted to be a doctor. My dad had told me about it a couple of times, well not just a couple, a lot, and not exactly told, but convinced. See back then I had no idea what I wanted to be. I was confused. So like the rightful duty of all parents my dad talked me into doing Medicine. I admit I thought it was not a bad idea at all. Up until very recently, when reality began to approached and seem real, did I realize it is my dads dream, not mine. I want to do Psychology. Always wanted to and probably the only reason I had to stick on to doing MBBS was the idea that I could take up Psychiatry. But I realized that I don't have to have a doctorate to do that. And if I wanted one I could always to a PhD. But am I interested in medicine? I am interested in biology, but then again i'm interested in history, environmental education, physics, and that's just the academics part of it. Who do I want to be 10 years down the road? A Psychologist...? 

Its a scary world, and if you are going to get convinced by what the rest of the world thinks you should become, and if pressure yourself to reach up to their expectations then you'd only end up in regret and remorse.In simple words, your doomed. The only persons expectations you have to live up to is yourself. At 18, we all know that's easier said than done. Our mind is so fickle, we can hardly decide what we want to do the next minute, let alone the rest of our lives. So its justified when I say that its hard for us to have to make such important decisions at such a young age. But even at this young age, when the all important question is posed to us there is something deep down giving the answer. Religion calls is the Holy Spirit, science calls it the Conscience, I really don't know what it is, but its there. Society clouds this soft voice, the loud voices of others, even your closest loved ones can over shadow that small fragile voice. They might just be trying to help, but it turns into convincing. And like me, you'd be left confused because your heart wants something else and family wants something else. 

I sat back and tried to bring out that voice, let it speak. And I never felt more myself before. I began to be me, the person I want to be and not what society expects me to be. And I figured I want to give MBBS a shot. A clear sincere shot, I still want to pursue  Psychology, and that's what I'm going to do, but in case I get into an awesome medical college, and I do have a specific one in mind, I'll not be the idiot who ignored a wonderful opportunely, like I said, I'm still young and I have the luxury to make mistakes.

Now that just makes things real confusing, does it not?

It is, it really is. Its not simple having believed in something all your life and suddenly have to change that. So I find it impossible to let the idea go. I do feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulder, but I cant let go of the idea. Let me explain. The reason I feel relief when I think of not doing MBBS is  because for so long I have been doing this for others, not myself. And the second I figured that I don't have to do that I felt relief. But I'l just be lying to myself all over again if I say that I'm not interested in MBBS, it has grown on me since the past 18 years. So this time when ever i'm studying i'm doing it for myself, because that's what I want. I must add that it feel real good to be doing something for myself. Heck if I want I can take up Psychology or Psychiatry as long as its my sole decision. As long as i'm achieving my dream, not my dad, to quote EMINEM - 'I'm doing this for me'.