For the human mind is never free from want

Its been a long time since I'v posted a new blog, but that has its reasons, the chief of it being the fact that I had virtually no access to internet in the awesome (pun intended) hostel I'm at. Now that is just me being very unfair to my hostel, but I guess it will forgive me for a few criticism. On the whole I am thoroughly enjoying my new life, my completely new I must say. The next time I feel like I want a change I should consider doing something way less grave though, like getting a hair cut for instance. Because this time I went completely overboard, starting with a hair cut, to a co-ed educational institute for the first time in my life, to staying away from family, of course, for the first time in my life. Haha!

But on a more serious note, all these changes has definitely had a positive impact on me. I find myself more independent that I ever was. I feel like I'm living my life for ME and not anybody else. Besides, when the decisions of life that you take are yours alone, and when you get a feeling that those decisions are indeed the right ones, it calls for a celebration. And I celebrate by living life trying my best to be how I am, and spending more of it first trying to figure out who I am! Its wonderful how much one learns about oneself once they are independent. Sometimes I feel like a true 18 year old with mood swings and irritations surly, but the overall picture is beautiful thought there can be a few rough edges here and there.I have got all that I have wanted if not better.

However its ironic how endless the human wants can be! It never gets over. I now have new needs and plans and goales. Its like the mind does not ever quit dreaming even after all dreams are fulfilled. 

Elated

Never thought one can feel more that happy, till today. A dream come true indeed. Remember feeling anxious and excited about the one thing I have been waiting to do for what feels like a life time? I did that one thing today. It was not just as awesome as I expected, it was better. I feel elated and really really happy.    I cant wait to have this kind of fun again! Two of my friends, also first timers to this kind of thing and I, however lost and confused we were had the time of your lives. And since it was all that I hoped it would be and even better, I now have my questions answered. I know what I can do now, more of this! lost more. It made me feel alive and on top of the world! One of my best days yet :D

My Current Question

People say that a persons true character is revealed when they are thrown into bad situations. Like when they are in danger or (more apt to my situation) when their temper is tested. I recently had to come across a situation when my nerves were boiling and I was at a loss on how to react. I first thought of ignoring the uncivil message sent my an old foe. And did do just that for a short amount of time, but my temper got the better of me. As a usual habit of mine, I will not take injustice done to me when I have done nothing wrong. And this unruly message accused me of having done something wrong while I was convinced I had not. At the moment I had decide to ignore it, I thought that the person vented out their anger and if I don't reply that would be the end of it. But somewhere along the short while I did ignore, I got a sudden upsurge of nerves and I had to set things clear. I sent this person a reply that consisted of a clear explanation in a rather rude manner of to clear it out. So here is the question. Is it right for one to always keep there composure and never be rude ever when aggravated or do you give people what they deserve by being rude?  

The Long Awaited

Face it. There is no better feeling than doing the one thing that you are not allowed to do. That surge of excitement is like none other. That thrill and the feeling of doing something you could get into trouble for and escaping or getting caught for it...its like none other. ( Except eating chocolate that is....nothing can beat the awesomeness of chocolate).
Why such a sudden surge of excitement you ask ?

Um! Bored...

How bored must one be if their only excitement at a particular period of time must be derived from the fact that they are infected most unfortunately by a virus that gives them a violent cold?

Watch it Or Hear it!!

I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone.

I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn.
I threw your sh*t into a bag and pushed it down the stairs.
I crashed my car into the bridge.

I don't care, I love it. I don't care.

SORRY mom!

But so many months at home and well 

Way to inspiring to exist !! 

LOVE IT

Updates

I just saw an epic movie. Quiet literally. I saw the movie "Epic"! I thought it would be interesting, but it was not. Very similar to that " Honey I Shrunk The Kids Movie" movie. Obviously it has a different concept, yet, some old good person bad person shit. Here's almost the best part of the movie...I saw it online. Its this depressing site that has almost all the latest movies, and you can watch it instantly. http://viooz.co/
Its depressing because I just saw Hangover in the theater and if you have just visited the site you'l get why its depressing. They have it, free and easy to watch. I regret having to pay and see the movie, but can argue with myself (something i'v been doing a lot lately, thanks to never ending holidays) (never thought I'd say this but I like having lot to study better that having nothing to do), what was I talking about?....ah! yes, I can argue with myself saying that the experience of watching a movie in the big screen is completely different, but its just for arguments sake.

I know I'v been talking about this a lot (ok! once, but if its an article in my blog, then you should know that its written a million times in my dairy, so I have been talking about it a lot) but I have to say that J.K Rowling is one of the best authors I have come across. And each of her books seem to be Better than the previous (not to mention Bigger). I finished the 3rd book and it was such a rollercoster ride that I had to take one day off the continuous reading, just to digest all the awesomeness. Obviously I started the next book, but I'm just reading it slower that I have read the others (yes, that would explain the movie).

But today was a really hilarious day, filled with good and bad news in precisely the same order. All the life determining crap that has been going on for so long that I could rip my head apart. And the best part, it not even over yet, infact now I have to wait till July (the one month I thought I would Free to do some traveling, but I'm just not lucky with that) for the mess to be over, and right after that College will start and that the end of vacation. Ugh! On the bright side, I'm free now and I have so many more movies to watch and so ,many books to read. That, I must say is almost as good as traveling (almost).

And my new favorite song...Castle Of Glass-Linkin Park http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScNNfyq3d_w   I dont know what, but there is just something about that song that really gripping. I just cant stop listening to it all day (and night)

Present Obsesssion

Its a very confused feeling to be proved wrong. Your stuck finding it hard to admit but yet, you need to voice out how wrong you have been for so long. I can proudly say that I was one of those people who truly detested Harry Potter. It was during the phase of my life where everything my sister did was lame. Of course she was a die hard fan. It was after the phase when everything my sister did I needed to do, obviously! ( I'm guessing every younger sibling goes through this, or maybe it was just me....I hope not) That could explain why I used to keep wearing the glasses of everyone in the house till I got short sight myself. I still remember marking the day as one of my happiest.

I recently went over to my friend Dion's house and borrowed the entire collection from her. She, part of the long list of people who have been pestering me to read the series, had lent it to me saying the words I had grown used to - "you have not read it yet!" I must inform you that I'm a very slow reader. I tend to take four days to finish a 'Famous Five' book. The problem is that I cannot do continuous reading for more that one hour.( A habit I have for not just reading I must add.) My best record yet was finishing a 'Sidney Sheldon' book in two weeks! I would look at the thick book with a sense of enormous achievement bellowing in my eyes. Little did I know that The one book I detested would have me so hooked on that I would finish it in one day! I was amazed at myself as the pages seemed to go on without me even realizing it! And just like that I was done with not just the first book but also the second and within no time I'm somewhere in the middle of the third.

Thus, I find myself in a fix. I have to talk to someone about how much I an enjoying the book, and I want to avoid the obvious "I told you so" I will most definitely get. Of course I could not contain myself any longer and blurted out my embarrassing secret to all I know! They are all eagerly waiting till I finish the series and cal have loud pointless discussions on it. The most surprising about it is that I also have a repugnant habit of loosing interest ( if i may call it that), and it has not inflicted me yet! However, lets see how long this Harry Potter phase is going to last. 

AAHA!

I look at all other blogs with hilarious, hideous things written in it and I think to myself, 'lets start a blog that I can go crazy in'. 
But then I tell myself that I'm so not that kinda blogger. I blog about essential, life altering, all important, meaningful,  useless, pointless self obsessed, boring things of my boring life. 
Look! There's some crap about a basket ball that apparently describes my current life situation, and it has a part 2 like those repelling movies people think are awesome -twilight! 
Alright! I hereby swear to never write anymore crap about a dam basketball ( but it makes so much sense) NO! I put my foot down! ( as if my foot was up in the air all this while like i'm practicing to join the circus, besides I don't bent that way). 
That is such a ridiculous phase people keep using ( its used by my dad, maybe that's why). Speaking of ridiculous phases its not like the present generation have come up with any decent ones. For example, "lets hang out" is either suicidal or app-ish in its literal sense, because you can either "hang" "outside" on a tree, like what Judas did to kill himself, or you can "hang" on monkey bars that is "outside" to embrace our ancestral, evolutionary traits.
The present generation has a brain of concrete anyway. Mixed up real good and solidified real good. I am aware of the fact that when I say present generation it includes me to, thank you. Besides I think its awesome that I have a jumbled up brain. AAHA! I think we have found our problem! 
Dam now I have to try and keep this a secret. ( so not gonna happen)
I need to sleep.

The Basket Ball ...Match!

Remember the post I wrote about standing at the court and staring at a basket ball at the rim of the basket and waiting to see if it will get in or out, and how that's exactly how I felt? If not here's the link read it! I have to talk about it.
http://henapaul.blogspot.in/2013/05/the-basket-ball.html

The answer to that question is Yes! The ball went in. But little did I know that with that question answered I now have a million other question of the same kind, that only time can reveal. I now need to know if that basket helped me win the match! Or was it just one that goes wasted cause I lost the match. And how many more such scores are needed for me to win the match.

All I can do is bite my nails and eagerly await the outcome of all that I'v gone though for the past 2 years. All the realizations, the lessons and the pain, all the happiness and where life is going to take me next! To quote what someone I know said " Just take it all as it comes, no point getting worked up. It will all turn out for the better". I could not agree more. I take what comes and do the best I can with it! I'm letting FATE decide!
(Oh! Bless me! How foolish can that be?)

Crazy And Nuts ..The Same ???

What I learned today is something very new! I learned it from a rather queer acquaintance but never the less its interesting. This person explained to me the difference between Crazy and Nuts. Yes! even I thought it means the same, but what do you know. After all learn something new everyday right. Crazy is when you do something without thinking. You just do it at the spur of the moment, what you heart says you should do. When your heart says do something thrilling, you just do it, NO thinking, NO questions, NO regrets. Nuts is when you keep thinking about that thrilling thing your about to do, you keep saying to yourself that its too dangerous and can turn bad it moments, but you do it anyway. And you enjoy it thoroughly. LOTS of thinking, LOTS of questions, NO regrets. Now, there are people who are crazy, people who are nuts, but me, I'm crazy sometimes and nuts in the others. so what am I CANUTS

The Rodents

How many of you can truthfully say that you like rats? If you see a rat around where you are right now would you treat it with mango juice and Oreo biscuits like you would for a guest or would you treat it with sticks and stones and a mouse trap? I can bet almost all of you are saying mouse trap, and those who are not, are lying to yourselves. Yet you know not the reason behind this animosity. One so grave that you would resort to killing a living being though its done nothing wrong to you. In fact it might be just like you and me, in search for the two things we need to survive, food and love. Some might say that we detest these rodents simply because they carry plagues and diseases. But is not a squirrel capable of carrying the same disease of these rats? If you tale off the fluffy tail and dip a squirrel in black paint it might even look alike. Yet we hate the rats and not so much a squirrel.
This was one the explanations a German soldier gave to a french daily farmer when he came to conduct a search for any Jews the farmer might be housing!

Sometimes you know not why to dislike some people. You know not why you find them irritating. Others who would do just the same things to you, you can tolerate. But some, you detest for reasons you yourself cannot understand. I guess that's the way life is! I remember considering myself one that can accept people way they are. I can, ironically, still say that. Except this time there is a 'but' to that statement. I can accept people the way they are as long as they don't meddle with my life.

Maybe I'm missing out on a friendship that would have lasted a long time. Maybe I'm missing out on a lot of benefits these people would have got for me. Maybe these people have changed now ( and if they have i'l be the happiest person around) but I still cannot let them inside my life again. I cannot trust them and what kind friendship is not based on trust....a bad one. And a bad friendship should be ended. Now the question is...the next time a rat enters your house, what would you do?

Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You

A song can actually describe exactly what you feel.

GO ROCK!

And I, get sick when I'm around, I, can't stand to be around, 

I, hate everything about you! 

Everything about you, 

Everything about you, 

Everything about you! 

Some say I got a bad attitude, 

But that don't change the way I feel about you, 

And if you think this thought might bring me down, 

Look again cause I aint wearin no frown! 

Everything about you, everything about... 

I, get sick when I'm around... 

I, can't stand to be around... 

I, hate everything about... you! Haha...

The Voice ( not the show :p)

When your body gives up on you, you have no hope left,

Listen to that faint voice inside you saying, 'Don't give up yet'.

Many at times the only person that can inspire you is yourself. Everyone around you would have lost faith in you. The people who said that they will support you might now be against you. The world might be laughing at your failure. But you truly fail only once you begin to think your a failure too. If one looks deep enough they will find a faint voice, one meek voiceless voice. A voice suppressed by the screams of others, by the laughing and mockery. A voice saying that there is still hope. You have to believe in that voice. Its saying the truth. Hold on to that voice and raise up! Things will definitely turn around.

A Breed I Hate

Have you met someone who considers life a race? Who always trying to find out how good someone is at what they do, and compare themselves to the person? Sneakily tries to find out how the person does it and by hook or by crook tries to master their ability? They try to pretend to be your friend, but you'l never know that they are your biggest enemy.

I do agree that competition is essential. There are many races in life one will have to win or loose. But life is not a race, on the contrary a race is part of life. There are so many things that life has to offer other than races and competition. Yes, the victory is satisfying, but whats the fun if you have no one to celebrate with. You spent all your life treating the people around you as competitors, disguising yourself as a friend, and used their trust as a source to better yourself. All these people realized what you are doing and walked out of your life. And finally when you have all the success you have worked for you will have no one to celebrate with. No one who truly cares that is.

I frankly hate these kind of people. I always wonder what that kind of victory will give them anyway. Some sick satisfaction that they are better that the rest of the world? It's good to enjoy when you are the best at what you do, but that rejoicing should not be about how bad others are compared to you. It should be about  how your hard work has payed off. It should be guilt free, where you won fare and square and did not use someone the get there. I'm the kind of person who enjoys being around people. We are social beings. We all get lonely sometimes. We all need someone to lean on because things will never go the way we want it to, but if you make use of the people who are willing to lend a shoulder then you are driving them away. That's selfish and moreover, stupid.

Another breed of people I don't like are the lairs. They either lie or twist the truth to their benefit. I'v met people who will dramatize incidences to gain the pity and sympathy of others. They will go to any extent to make someone think they are being tortured. A good friend of mine once said: 'If you are going to lie, do some research before hand.' Someone once lied about having french cuisine, when asked to name the dish, replied 'pasta'. "My mom came to hit me with a baseball bat", we'r in India, nobody here plays baseball. Cricket bat would have been more believable! "I went to Australia and lived right opposite Ross Taylor's house". He's from New Zealand. And this is the worst. "I didn't study at all, I'm going to fail", then get 88 out of 100. Its all so frustrating.

I just hope that these racers and lairs realize what they are doing and stop it. But we all know that's too much to ask for. To us, its just frustration that will come and go. But for these people its their reputation at stake. They need to know that no one will believe anything they say even if they might be saying the truth. Its a price you have to pay for cheating, lies and exaggeration. So don't cheat people, don't lie and don't exaggerate. If people think your life is boring the way it is, let them. Its better that them knowing your life is a Lie !

The Basket Ball

In a few more days I'll get to know the answers to a lot of my questions. As the day approaches I can't help but sense this certain amount of fear. I just figured out that only four colleges offer the course I want to take up in my State. Way to go competition. And as though to make things worse, only one of them is in the city I live in. This I great.

The fear is partly cause of the fact that I might have to leave town to study. Its scary enough to know that I have to stay in a hostel, and now it might be in one further away from home. This is what I want ironically, to be away from my parents. I love them very much, but I will not learn to be independent if I have them to take care of me. Yet I feel fear, fear of the unknown.

Imagine you attempted to shoot a basketball into the hoop and the ball just lingers undecidedly around the rim. In that second, in that miniscule second, when you are waiting to see if the ball will go in or out you sense this fear, right? That's the kind of fear I feel right now. Just waiting, all you can do is done, hoping fate will do good to you. You will find yourself taking to the ball, like it can actually understand what you are saying - get in. Those two words are the only two words in my mind too.

Wish me luck! 

Life The Trickster

Ever wonder why whenever you have something to do, you wish you had nothing to do, and when you have nothing to do, you wish you had something to do? When you have to go to school or college you wish it was holidays and when its holidays you wish you had college? Life plays such weird tricks on you that way. Its true what they say I guess 'the grass is greener on the other side'.

But why does it have to be that way? Why cant people be happy with where they are or with what they are doing? When I had to go to college I would wish that it was a holiday, but I love going to college. Why could I not wake up and tell myself that today I'l go to college cause that's what will be fun? Also when I had holidays tell myself that that's what is more fun.

I'v been sitting at home for almost two months now and been real bored. But thanks to this realization I'm going to try and prove that bad old proverb wrong. Lets not care what color the damn grass is, let it be pink for all I know. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and tell myself that its a holiday, whats the best I can do to make it a productive one. Be happy with spending my time doing what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. Life, I know you are a trickster, but do you know I'm a magician? 

My Current Question

Do I really have Katsaridaphobia? For those of you how are wondering what that is...its the fear of cockroaches! According to my sources ( the internet of course) people suffering from Katsaridaphobia feel tense and scared of the insect though they know it can potentially do no harm. This is true in my case. But it also says that these people shut all doors and windows and spray insecticides everywhere to prevent the insect from reaching their house hold. I definitely don't do either of this. Maybe because my mom takes care of all that. They say that one of the causes of katsaridaphobia can be a traumatizing incident in the past. Well when I was a kid I loved playing underneath an ironing table. Once I played under there for so long that I fell asleep there. When I woke up, I vividly remember a cockroach right on my chest, almost as though staring at me. To sum to all up, grave fear-check, traumatizing incident-check, uncanny OCD-isd behavior-check (by mom) So what? DO I have Katsaridaphobia? ...

P.S : you should check out all the other phobias people have. The funniest I found was Coprophobia-fear of feces! How can someone be scared of their own 'shit' :P

After writing many important exams this is still what I have to say!! :P

Letter To 14 Year Old Me.

Dear 14 Year old me,

Its wonderful that you kept (still keeping) a diary, but frankly I am surprised that you have become me. Its crazy what four years can teach you. But Please, don't crib about the worries you have, because they are not even worries. I see you have an 8 point list of what you have to worry about. I cant help compare that to my list and ridicule it.

It does not matter if you have lost a basket ball match, and no! it does not make it worse if it was in front of your juniors. While you are concerned about loosing a stupid basketball match I am concerned weather the choices I make today might make me loose in life.

I'm sure you got the meaning of the word 'worry' wrong. If not, then something like having to write a lot in a chem practical record would not come in a 'Things I Have To Worry About' list. It could come in a 'Things I Have To Do' list, or at the most a 'Things I Have To Do Fast' list. And trust me, having written records in the last minute, and getting it confiscated for writing it during math class, and begged a certain Chitra Ma'am to understand, and pleading million math teachers to return the book after promising never to do that again ( a promise I technically did keep cause while I did write my record in class I never got caught for it) followed by an apology letter, you really have nothing to worry about.

Oh! This is interesting. You got 34 out of 50 in P.E is it? I wonder how you topped the class for your Boards, you know the exam that actually matters. Your reason- 'I cant understand I word Sir says'. Oh! Try sitting for a math class on Binomial Theorem, or listening to Squinty ( I don't remember her real name as she quit teaching after a few days) talk about circles, and try getting 18 out of 100 and then talk

'Church timings have changed. I have catechism during English Mass and now I cant check out all the hot guys. Really! That's your worry? I cant believe you! Ok, I give you the credit of being sad about it, those classes did suck, but where were the apparent hot guys? I still see them and I think you were blind! They are either as old as your dad or as ugly as a skeleton with a layer of skin and a 'horse ass' face.

Alright, now that's valid. You don't have time to dream because your busy. That is something to worry about. Someone at 14 should be able to dream as much as she wants. But that gives you no excuse to think that your becoming MAD ( and apparently think it mean Mentally A Dud and spell it wrong ). Try putting yourself in my position and then you will know what MAD really is ( common! I'm making fun of the younger me, that must have some symptoms of mental retardation). 

If your only hopes of excitement depended on getting a new crush, then you have some serious issues. Maybe I am starting to understand why I have certain mental problems and why my friends think I'm crazy. You got it right little one, what is wrong with you?

Point number 7 on my list - 'Lets just sum up all the entrances I have to write and crib about it at once to make it easier. Starting with having to study for it, the tension of writing it, and ending with the fear of the results ( since if you have not heard, they determine the rest of my life)'. Same point of a list 4 years back - ' I am obsessed over using words like ay ayo yappa and looser in life and dumb chick. Yeah! Kid, clearly you were running out of points, and if you'v been reading, those previous points make no sense.

What a serious problem you got there! Confused about whether you want to join the dance team or the Kannada Skit. Gee! I wonder how you solved that problem, maybe you could help me solve this other problem I have. Its a simple one I'm just confused on what I should do for the rest of my life.

Yours Sincerly,
18 year old YOU.

Turn over a new leaf, A very NEW leaf

What does it feel like, having believed in something for all your life and suddenly realize its all been a lie? A big huge lie. A lie you have been telling yourself cause you are too scared to face the truth! Truth is uncertain, scary and involves a lot of risks! No one knows if you are going to make it. You are not even certain if your are going to make it. But whats life if you don't take chances while you are young, and have the luxury to make mistakes. I'll tell you what it feels like, Growing up!

Till very recently I believed I wanted to be a doctor. My dad had told me about it a couple of times, well not just a couple, a lot, and not exactly told, but convinced. See back then I had no idea what I wanted to be. I was confused. So like the rightful duty of all parents my dad talked me into doing Medicine. I admit I thought it was not a bad idea at all. Up until very recently, when reality began to approached and seem real, did I realize it is my dads dream, not mine. I want to do Psychology. Always wanted to and probably the only reason I had to stick on to doing MBBS was the idea that I could take up Psychiatry. But I realized that I don't have to have a doctorate to do that. And if I wanted one I could always to a PhD. But am I interested in medicine? I am interested in biology, but then again i'm interested in history, environmental education, physics, and that's just the academics part of it. Who do I want to be 10 years down the road? A Psychologist...? 

Its a scary world, and if you are going to get convinced by what the rest of the world thinks you should become, and if pressure yourself to reach up to their expectations then you'd only end up in regret and remorse.In simple words, your doomed. The only persons expectations you have to live up to is yourself. At 18, we all know that's easier said than done. Our mind is so fickle, we can hardly decide what we want to do the next minute, let alone the rest of our lives. So its justified when I say that its hard for us to have to make such important decisions at such a young age. But even at this young age, when the all important question is posed to us there is something deep down giving the answer. Religion calls is the Holy Spirit, science calls it the Conscience, I really don't know what it is, but its there. Society clouds this soft voice, the loud voices of others, even your closest loved ones can over shadow that small fragile voice. They might just be trying to help, but it turns into convincing. And like me, you'd be left confused because your heart wants something else and family wants something else. 

I sat back and tried to bring out that voice, let it speak. And I never felt more myself before. I began to be me, the person I want to be and not what society expects me to be. And I figured I want to give MBBS a shot. A clear sincere shot, I still want to pursue  Psychology, and that's what I'm going to do, but in case I get into an awesome medical college, and I do have a specific one in mind, I'll not be the idiot who ignored a wonderful opportunely, like I said, I'm still young and I have the luxury to make mistakes.

Now that just makes things real confusing, does it not?

It is, it really is. Its not simple having believed in something all your life and suddenly have to change that. So I find it impossible to let the idea go. I do feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulder, but I cant let go of the idea. Let me explain. The reason I feel relief when I think of not doing MBBS is  because for so long I have been doing this for others, not myself. And the second I figured that I don't have to do that I felt relief. But I'l just be lying to myself all over again if I say that I'm not interested in MBBS, it has grown on me since the past 18 years. So this time when ever i'm studying i'm doing it for myself, because that's what I want. I must add that it feel real good to be doing something for myself. Heck if I want I can take up Psychology or Psychiatry as long as its my sole decision. As long as i'm achieving my dream, not my dad, to quote EMINEM - 'I'm doing this for me'. 

Funny Smell

Ever notice that different notes have different smells. A new fresh note handed over to you from the bank has a crisp fresh smell. The note you get from the vegetable vendor smells like curry leaves or coriander leaves. And the note from a drunk auto diver smells like booze. Don't ask me why I even smelled all this in the first place :P

An Apt Song

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

What Makes The Difference?

"For this is the only thing Life's not biased about- 

It gives everyone an equal  share of sorrow and doubt."

                                                             -Hena Paul.

A part of my recent poem reads that, and I think its rather brilliant. The poem talks about how all walks of life has an equal part of sorrow and worry. Everyone, starting from the rich to the poor, the old the young, they all have their share of pain. The things they worry about can tremendously vary, and can be drastically different, but each person finds their problem huge. Basically, that gives no basic of measuring the factor ( I recon I'm been learning too much a particular topic in Physics ). So that leaves us obliged to think that everyone has an equal amount of doubt/sadness in their life. One cannot really compare. To say - my problems are bigger that yours, would be, to a large extent selfish, according to me. Thus, ironically this becomes almost the only thing life is not biased about. Life has no so called 'favorites' here. When it comes to doubt, its just and fair.

If you are thinking that maybe even happiness also is distributed to people by just and fair methods, your wrong. That's what is ironic about it, cause its not. For starters you are as happy as you choose to be. Fate does have a role to play in it, but its up to your discretion to be happy or unhappy. On the other hand when life throws at you failure, its sad, you can learn from it, but reality is that its sad. Somehow fate has a greater grip on giving you obstacles than loop holes. Life gives you more sorrowful incidences that happy ones. Happiness is either too rare, or when one does have it, they are busy wondering when it will be taken away, to truly enjoy it while it lasts. That's why most people seek for happiness all their life and perish, almost never finding it. So ultimately we find that most people are given equal amounts of sadness, Yet we see that some people seem happier that others. Why would that be? Well, the sonnet ends with the answer to that question.

The last two lines to my poem say that though everyone is given equal amounts of doubt and sadness, the difference lies in how much they are loved by their loved ones. For sharing your sorrows with others gives you a wider perspective, and helps you look at the brighter side of things. They help to remind you that the sun will rise tomorrow no matter what. And to let you in on a little secret ( that's not so much of a secret really) the best way to get past the storm is to be positive. And your loved ones help you do just that.

I Let The Psychopath Inside

Cold by
Psychopathic-Jad

I let the Psychopath inside. Yesterday night it so happened that he knocked on my door. While I lay my head to rest and reflected on the happenings of the day, he knocked gently and sweetly, hoping he could come inside. I could have let him stay out, but I figured that maybe it can be of some good. I let Fear, the Psychopath enter inside. We conversed for sometime, but I soon began to feel that choking sensation around my chest, that void in my throat, and he was to blame. It was as though he began to suck the happiness from inside me. It began to get cold and my throat got dry, my hands began to shiver. 'This is not a good sign', I thought. So before it was too late, I lured him outside and slammed my door shut, and I slept in peace. But he will come again, maybe even tomorrow. I know he will!

Cry A Little, Laugh A Little

Its funny how an incident can make you experience contrary emotions simultaneously. You can feel extreme joy and bitter remorse at the same time. A baffling experience. A few days back my elder sister bagged a once in a life time award. She topped her class and won herself a gold medal in academics. A truly wonderful achievement. My joy and happiness for her was tremendous. 

Yet, I found myself running away to seclusion and crying. I was confronted with so many questions. I wondered why good things are almost allergic to me, why I had to work so hard to be rewarded while others had to so easy. I thought life was unfair and cruel to all anything good. All the failures i faced in life flashed in front of me, on by one and made me feel even more pathetic. At times like these, we tend to search for someone who will sit by you and tell you that everything is going to be alright. For me, its usually my sister, but this time it was unfair to ask for her help. I felt more lonely than I have ever did. My next best consolation - Chocolate. I had a whole load it. Sadly, it didn't do the trick this time

What's unique about family, is that they are just there for you which ever side your smile turns. So my sister did come to console me. My problems were still problems, my sadness didn't disappear, I just got a feeling that I'm not alone. And that beats chocolate any day. We later sat with the rest of my family with some ice cream to celebrate our happiness together, while my dad declared that my sister has got some of his brains at least. Obviously, this was followed by denial from everyone. Basically, things got rather loud. As I sat there laughing at it all, my sorrow began to turn into hope and that was the only emotion I felt. I had hope that I would be rewarded someday, and just in case I'm not, I had faith that these people would stop me from falling, and help me try again. Its what life is all about anyway.

"because that's what Jesus would have done". Oh Common!

I just happened to see this somewhere and thought its apt for a lot of the people i know. Don't get me wrong, I really like these people, just this concept of theirs is annoying. Like they say- 'Don't hate the criminal, hate the crime'. This reminded me of their meaningless deep rooted belief in Jesus. Yeah! Its a good thing, for you! Don't impose it on me!

These people have a blatant idea about certain things that are right, and certain things that are wrong! Firstly, who are you to decide whats right or wrong? Especially since the idea of right or wrong itself is controversial. Think about it, a certain society finds something right, while another finds it wrong. So that makes it neither. Secondly, why impose your ideas on me? Its acceptable if you are sharing your views and your understanding, but not, if you force them on others. And finally, when you are questioned you simply reply - "because that's what Jesus would have done". Oh Common!

My Current Question

I had once realized that fear was my greatest weakness. The monster had crawled into my mind and induced me to worry all day all night. What to we do to an irritating mosquito? We smack it dead. What do we do to scary animals? We cage them using rods that cannot be broken. And what did I do to this monster? I yanked it and threw it away. It could ever come back. Little did I know that  it was a bad idea. I should have just scared it away, just a little. I realize now that fear is sometimes necessary. So do I now invite a psychopath into my house knowing that it could be fatal, again ? 

The Problem

'The Piscian symbol of the two headed fish symbolizes that they are confronted with two choices. To go up stream against the current or down stream where the tide takes them.

-Linda Goodman.

The Problem

I began to notice that it was a pattern with me. I had to choose to do something useful with my time, or to laze around and waste it. The latter choice was chosen more often than it ought to be. Sometimes, even while doing something relatively useful, my mind wonders off to mindless hallucinations. I even learned to give this unconscious act a term. ' Lost interest' I called it. My friends caught me saying this so often that it clung on to their speech pattern too. The problem was more the unconscious lack of focus ( if I may call it) than the mere using of the term.

The Analysis

I soon learned that in order to achieve something I will have to fight the ' Lazy Temptress' away (as my sister would call it). Now we all know that that's more easier said that done. If the problem was as simple as laziness the solution becomes drastically simple, but its not. The instinct to choose the easier option was always playing in the forefront, making simply choosing to do the harder more difficult, to say nothing about actually doing it. 

The Solution

We all know that every problem has a solution. The solution to this one has been lingering around even before the problem arose. I mean to say that the answer to this is in the problem itself. Most of the time we figure that the solution to a problem was right it front of us, yet we just could not see it. Like when you suddenly realize you lost something, panic and look all around the house, not find it, and return back to were you started consoling yourself that maybe the house got hungry and swallowed it (somehow), only to find that it was in your pocket all along. Something like that, if you do not consider the exaggeration of the impossible Monster House (Yes, I love the movie). But the point is that the answer is to choose the harder option.

But....

The New Problem

Which is the harder option? 

This is never ending. I lost interest.

We All Need Help Sometimes

Anxiety had swallowed me like a vicious snake ingesting its helpless victim. However hard it was for me to admit, this was the truth. I knew I would and could do this, but the question of how was screaming at me from the distance. Maybe that could explain the worried, lost and scared look on my face. I had three days to prepare myself for this day. Yet, it seemed to have come all too suddenly. And there I was a young 18 year old, ready to do something for the very first time.

I had jumped out of bed that morning too worried to sleep anymore. I went downstairs for breakfast and my family members seemed normal. But once they saw my troubled face their mood became quiet the contrary. They were the kind of people that took good care of me, almost too much care of me. They would do everything for me. Its a good thing, but as the saying goes -' Too much of anything is good for nothing'.

This was certainly the cause behind why I felt so scared for what now seems so silly.

As I was growing older, my parents worked hard on trying to be less protective. Yet, it was really hard for them to let go. Thus they began to bombard me with all kinds of advises. Take the auto through this route, its the easiest way there, be passive not timid, demand for what you want, the place is a short walk, you'll find an Oak, Banyan and Champak tree towards your left, right and center, its 1.4 km away... Initially I was irritated, but that was until I realized it would actually be helpful, and I began to find it kind of cute. Never the less I was still terrified.

I somehow reached the place I wanted to reach. It was so much larger that I thought.
I found a watch man at the entrance. I asked him for directions. His hospitality was consoling, and he pointed the way to me. Half way down I found another watchman who helped me with the further directions. I walk into the wrong room, but soon realized and got out before embarrassing myself . Finally,  I found a sign that said the place I was looking for is on the other side. I entered, gathering the little confidence I had.

At the front it self was a help desk, from where I understood that I had to walk till the end of the room, and reach the last counter. I slowly walk down the long room, observing the staff start up the day. Once I reached, I found that the last counter was empty. I assumed that since it was still early the employee was yet to come. I took a seat and waited. I don't remember how much time went by, as I was reflecting upon why I felt so scared earlier. I also remember occasionally thinking on asking the adjacent counter employee, if she could help me out, but somehow decided against. I rechecked my challan, signed it then continued to wait. When the wait became too long, I decided to get up and ask her anyway.

I walked up to the counter and said, 'I have to make a payment', and held up the challan. She nodded and took it from me. Surprised at how easy that was, and regretting upon not asking earlier I sat, while she worked on the details. I few questions, handing over of the money, two seals that made a loud noise and it was over. I thanked her and walked out, with a smile on my face. As I headed out of the compound both the watch men who helped me out, asked if I got my work done. I replied that I did and I thanked whole heatedly. My smile grew wider.

On my way back home I got a call from my dad, he asked, 'Were you able to make the entrance fee payment?', 'Yeah!', I replied. 'And  did anyone in the bank eat you alive?', 'What! of course not! ', I exclaimed, 'why would you ask that?. 'You just seemed so worried', he said. I found myself replying, 'I was not!', a lie. My dad just smirked and said good bye.

Now I learned a lot from this, but the most important is that we have to let people help us once in a while. The silly task may not be impossible without it, but the help sure makes it a lot more easier and a lot more satisfying. The feeling of knowing that someone's there to help you if you tumble is incredible. And what's more incredible is the want to help someone else.

You Are Who You Chose To Become

Is there a difference between the person that you are and the person that you would like to be?

The person that i am is an observer. I'm the one in the background giving comments at all that's happening to the protagonist. Others would laugh and join along with me in the otherwise ruthless comments. Sometimes i'm the person people would call if they need company to do something crazy. I'm the shoulder they cry on when life treats them bad. I'm the person they trust with all their secrets. I'm the person who gets to know all the gossip. Others are the people that things happen to. I'm the one who's there to listen to all these happenings. Sometimes come up with solutions to their problems, sometimes laugh along with them, sometimes cry along with them. That's me to others. 

Sam Walter Foss wrote in his poem- House By The Side Of The Road that he wants to be this person. He would want to be the person by the side of the road who likes to see the race of men go by and be there for them, no matter if they are bad or good, weak or strong, wise or foolish, he wants to be there for them, because he himself is all that too. As much as I can relate to this and as much as I agree with this, it does hurt sometimes that your not the protagonist. 

Secretly, I wish I could be that. The person that needs a shoulder to cry on, the person with crazy ideas, the person others could find amusement by making fun of. The person with secrets. Or quiet simply the, person that things happen to. 

In all my years of socializing I have tried to become the protagonist in a crowd. And it worked. For a brief period of time I did become this person. And the irony is that I didn't like it. I was not a fan of the attention and i somehow felt, for the lack of a better word, exposed. I had decided then that i'm happy being the girl the the background. And for a long period of time I was happy.

But lately the question began to taunt me again. I guess i just needed to be reminded why I chose to become who I am. Ah! surprisingly i'm happy again. So to answer the question- Yes. There is a difference. But it should not matter, because the person that you should be is the person you are when your happy.

My Current Question

We all are bound by the questions of the unknown. There are so many things that we have no control of, things hauntingly out of our hands. This would be a universally accepted fact. Nothing new there. But here's the question- is it justified to take control of things when you can, or do you leave it to fate to decide?